The Llama Attack

Growing up participating in llama shows meant many long,  grueling Saturdays at the fairgrounds, Friday night grooming sessions to get prepared, and a Sunday full of regrets and longing for a simple childhood of video games and R-rated movies. I would know a show would be coming up in the next month, so I would try to round up Icicle, Buff Dude, or sometimes Disco Dude if I needed to borrow my brother's llama because mine was off getting bred, or impregnating some piece on some other farm (R&R for llamas already living the good life).

While some llama owners wanted their animals pristine for the judges,  I was only really committed to the point of getting the top layer of visible hay out of the 16 inch mass of fur that completely envelopes a llama.  Any level of commitment past that means an interminable length of time with an industrial-strength blower, a hose and shampoo, a dryer, and then hours of brushing, and then repeat. Every day.

No thank you. Icicle, my pride and joy, was white, and thus not a great candidate for a lazy llama 4-H member with not a whole lot of patience for cleaning an animal who enjoys rolling in a dust bowl, literally, for pleasure. Our interests in the whole showllama process didn't align, as I wanted the ribbons and glory, and Icicle, although trained to be exceptionally well-mannered around people, seemed fairly disinterested in it all. And sort of fully opposed to the annual Christmas parade with complete reindeer costumes, antlers, and flashing Christmas lights complete with battery pack.

After the showring activities, days at the fair usually consisted of answering questions from the general public who didn't have the *pleasure* of growing up with llamas. Of course, the first question is always, "do they spit?" and I would usually launch into some spiel about how they rarely spit unless provoked by someone, and sometimes they spit at other llamas to establish a pecking order. And it's true, it's not that common, though it is probably their most effective defense mechanism, so of course they will bust it out if need be.

Turns out there is a whole genre of Youtube videos dedicated to showing exactly how to annoy a llama enough to the point where you will get their two-day old grass from the rear stomach regurgitated in your face.



You really think llamas like being talked down to like that? You think they won't do it twice just to make a point? Llamas are above nonsense like this, and aren't afraid to let you know how they feel.
And there are just so many more. Without experiencing the smell, and stinging in your eyes though, you haven't truly experienced a llama attack.