Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, to all the llama llovers out there.

a very llama christmas gift

christmas is fast approaching and like every year, you procrastinate buying gifts for your friends and lovers. (we know it's a recession but face it, you've always been pretty cheap).

so, what do you get for the llama llover that has everything? an all american t-shirt of course!

we've hand selected a few favorites for you to choose from.

for cousin gary, who has that dramatic girlfriend: "save the drama for your llama"
a minimalist designs gets the message across. also comes in "word to your llama."

for your pseudo-activist friend with the free tibet bumper sticker: "i heart the dalai llama"
cute little play on words with a political message (and wicked moustache).

for all your libyan/north korean/italian friends: "my llama is smarter than your president"
because sometimes the truth hurts, and now we have obama.

for your gardener jorge, who hasn't done so hot in his esl class: "como se llama?"
llamasutra habla espanol. and we don't forget that llamas originally all spoke spanish too!

for your pastor/rabbi/priest or art teacher: "creation of the llama"
we suggest caribbean blue!

while we could go on forever, you need to hurry up and buy some presents. so, for basically anyone...
THE LLAMA SUTRA
something for everyone in a beautiful shade of yellow.

so this christmas, let your loved ones know you care, and send some llama llove their way.

Fiddy Llamas

Judging by the amount of news coverage about llamas in community nativity scenes nationwide (thank you google alerts), stepping in for their scarcer and unrulier big brother, the camel, I feel as though we can respectfully submit December 26 to be nominated as 50 llamas day. Enjoy.

Dial A Llama

Looking for a business with low overhead and start-up costs? Look no further than this intrepid and crafty business model from Bolivia.

A pentup demand for deliverable, one-time use llamas and alpacas clearly exists, as evidenced by this Yahoo! Answers post from a little girl desperate to have an alpaca-themed party, yet without the means or ability to have an actual real life animal present. Weddings, Bat Mitzvah’s, anniversaries, and much more could also benefit from the presence of such a regal animal.

Act now, while www.dialallama.com is still available!

Excited to Have Our First Fan Letter!

dear llama sutra,

i am a big fan of your work. i wanted to pass on this link for your consideration:


best wishes,
tiger woods


our slightly edited reply:

thank you for taking time away from your busy day of submitting exremely classy ladies to your, ahem, golf club, and submitting this link to us.

regards,
llamasutra

PS: We have obtained photos of the alleged #15

Further Proof Anything is Available on CL

Anytime a posting on Craigslist starts out with "this is not a scam!" I am almost immediately relieved of any doubt I may have once had.

And so starts out this posting for llama nail trimming and other shearing services in the Seattle area.

Apparently the going rate for a nail trim is
$20 per animal, and for a llama
shearing, aka 'haircut' it is $50.

Still cheaper than a haircut in NY I guess.
But act fast, as there is a holiday special discount of 10%.

Also package deals are available for llamas who have neglected their nails AND hair these last few months.

Here is some contact info if you live around Seattle. 253-951-0629 or marielleriley@yahoo.com
http://queen-annes-lace.webs.com/

Really this posting is an excuse to post some cute pictures of crias from this woman's website.

Llamas Llove Secrets, too

From everybody's favorite help me please get rid of my white liberal guilt without the use of an expensive therapist, website, PostSercret, comes a new-ish German version. Even in Germany, you can send your deepest, darkest secrets on a postcard to a local address for the world to see online in a totally non-committal, anonymous way that appeals so much to our internet generation.

Anyways, the German version happened to recently feature a llama in a somewhat unflattering angle.

My rough German translation would be:

"Sometimes I can't stand your fake nice facial expressions."

Note to sender: Llamas don't generally speak German- just Spanish, English, and a bit of LOLspeak.

Lots of llama love at Old Fashioned Christmas

I thought this was a "news" story straight from the Daily Show, but apparently it's just another cause of local news being awesome.

Straight from our friends at the Dickson Herald, the story in its entirety reads as follows:

Kyrstin Fouch, 14, of Dickson received a holiday kiss on the cheek from a llama, 4-year-old Pearl, on Main Street at Friday night’s Old Fashioned Christmas in Downtown Dickson. Pearl is owned by Tori and Mike Howk from Furnace Creek Farm in Cumberland Furnace.

Don't worry, there's an accompanying photo.







Things like this actually make me nostalgic for a past I didn't live in. How quaint life can be in good ole Tennessee.

Lama the Dancing Game

What do these guys have in common besides their serenity and love for dance?

Like most people that have day jobs involving computers, I was bored and surfing them internets. Luckily, I happened to stumble upon a gem, sort of?

lama.com greets its viewers on the home page with a random informational paragraph about llamas and a lama dancing game. You make the llama dance by hitting random buttons on the keyboard and can even pick different soundtracks or watch others' dances they've created.

The site gets more confusing when you can choose to go to the Lama in Peru tab where it just talks about random llama info, (all misspelled I might add), Lama Photos and then there's a section on the Dalai Lama (which is the correct spelling). Not totally sure how all of this relates, but I'll accept it for now.

Have fun killing time at work making your llama dance in between contemplating a conversion to Buddhism!

Catch a Llama if you can

Anytime a newspaper article describes a llama as "mysterious," I can't help but eagerly reading on. It turns out that the latest llama on the lam story comes to us all the way from Ireland. Under the catchy headline, "Irish police seek runaway llama in County Wicklow," we find out that at the crux of the issue is that Irish motorists do not normally encounter an escaped llama on the side of the road, and they have been consistently phoning in the anomaly to the police.

The police, likely tipsy, and lacking the proper training, have had difficulty capturing the llama, even though he is reported to be grazing along the side of the road, and has been seen "peeping into passing cars." Again, this seems doubtful. Reading on....

Police seized five llamas and three goats from a traveling circus last month. It was reported that they were being mistreated, and the circus owners were asked to pay a fine to release them. The animals miraculously disappeared a few days after their seizure.

A llama miraculously disappearing? Sacrilege! Although the police may have thought their heavy workload of feeding and more importantly, brushing the seized llamas, was eased by their disappearance, clearly they are making more work for themselves now that they must recapture them in the rugged countryside.

Also...loving the llama file photo they came up with for this story:

Stand proud escaped circus llamas!

 

Click. Buy. Llama.

If the current economic downturn has taught us anything, perhaps it is the fact that we can indeed survive with less. The era of the 42" LCD TV in the guest bathroom (one in the living room will probably suffice), the 5 car garage for the new house, and the diamond-studded dog collar is officially over.

So when the holidays roll around, it is important to be consistent with your gift giving as well. If grandma isn't getting the 24" rims for the Caddy she's been eying, then she probably isn't getting you the latest spider-trapping contraption from SkyMall either. So why not break the cycle and start a tradition of gift-giving that makes everyone feel good, is easier on the pocketbook, and involves llamas, alpacas, or perhaps even fermented cow urine if you are feeling really giving (read: hateful, or vengeful).

That's right, this year, from the comfort of your own home, you can order an alpaca for a Bolivian family in need, and you can do it in someone else's name as a holiday gift. What better way to say I love you, than an empty box under the Christmas tree, that will leave you explaining to Bobby or the GF (once the tears have subsided), that  "In the freezing Peruvian Andes, alpacas are part of the family. Not only do they offer a ready supply of nourishing milk, their wool provides people with vital insulation. Families sell the fleeces, too, generating income to see them through the winter months." The tears will stop instantly.

But seriously, it's time to do something good, pay it forward, blah blah blah, and most importantly it comes with free alpaca finger puppets to signify your donation. Practical Presents, Project Concern, and FARM Africa, all have really neat gift ideas for that special someone who already has it all. Because he probably doesn't already have fermented cow urine.

llamasong

I'm sure you've all heard the llama song, but just in case.



I'm starting a petition to have all children sing this with their hands on their hearts every day in school. The pledge of allegiance is so 1776, and frankly, a bit too slow for our ADHD generation. We need some more action.

llamas love big government

Who says that the government is incapable of action?

From the Public Safety Log of the Albany Democrat Herald: (below the stolen oxycodone story, but above the 14 year old who hit his teacher after he was told to leave the room)


"Llama stuck — A concerned person called dispatch saying a llama had its head caught in a fence in the 32000 block of Denny School Road at about 12:30 p.m. Monday. The owner was contacted and came to Snowball’s rescue."

This comes from close to home, in neighboring Albany, Oregon, where due to various industrial related stenches, no one wants their head to be stuck in anything for too long.

Concerned citizen, Snowball thanks you, and will continue to stick his head through small spaces to get to that very green blade of grass just on the other side.

separated at birth: samuel l. jackson/llama

Apparently Samuel L. Jackson has caught the llama flu (swine flu is so last month).

Here is SLJ looking fierce and rocking the llama look c/o one of our favorite websites.

Got your own llama inspired 'do? Show us!

community organizing vs. llama herding

In what can only be interpreted as a sign of the true importance of llamas in their native South American lands, it has just come to our attention that current Bolivian President Evo Morales is a former LLAMA HERDER.

Which makes sense really. We now know that community organizing is a legitimate path to the presidency, and when your community is made up of llamas, well, organizing is just another term for herding if you think about it.

Bravo Morales. Managing llamas is undoubtedly a good warm up to the social class spats and border disputes that dominate Bolivian politics. We'd like to see it introduced as a litmus test of sorts for U.S. politicians in the upcoming election cycle.

the rare new jersey llama

Spotted: Sprinkles McGoo, rare New Jersey llama in Jersey City.

Please excuse the quality of this image but like other rare and mythical beasts such as Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster, Sprinkles can be tough to capture in a photo.

Sprinkles was last seen in Tibet by lama Kui Lu, learning the ancient wisdom of the buddha. Before that, he was visiting his ailing mother in Peru, eating empanadas.

Make sure to email us a photo if you see him in a neighborhood near you. Some of Sprinkles' favorite hang outs are hookah bars, Buddhist temples and taco trucks.

Gambler the Llama, Impounded

Let's face it, llamas love a little bit of publicity from time to time. When their day becomes a never-ending monotony of head down, chomping grass, sniffing an occasional llama bottom, and rolling in a dust bowl, some llamas can't help but take matters into their own hands to spice things up with the townies.

While some locals won't think twice about having a llama wander in and do a free lawn mowing of the back yard, some will make videos and send them to the local news. Llamas love this, and can usually sniff a possible newscast from at least three pastures over.



Gambler the llama clearly knows the value of the local press when he went and got himself impounded. He had already thought of several alternate headlines to the story, from "District Impounds Lost Llama," to "Gambler Impounded for Grass Possession," to "Local Gambler Lost on Neighbors Lawn."

Bravo Gambler, and keep up the great work spreading the news. Maybe next time an actual camera man will show up from the news station instead of the girl's little brother(?).

Llama Trauma

It's rarer than a coherent sentence from Sarah Palin, yet more devastating than Cheney in an undisclosed location: The dreaded llama attack. Although llamas are generally grouped with other dangerous animals such as butterflies, pandas, and the occasional unicorn, one must always remain vigilant and prepared. Easily spooked, and ever disdainful of redneck taunting (likely due to their sophisticated upbringing in the Andean highlands) llamas can snap more dramatically than a Lindsay Llohan made for TV movie.

Always known for their journalist standards and objectivity, here's a non-sensationalist look at a recent "incident."



In typical Fox News fashion, commentators are already calling for a crackdown on all illegal llama migrations at border checkpoints. Glenn Beck has gone so far as to label the llama in question a radical South American infidel, hell-bent on destroying the fabric of rural American life. Always the independent voice of reason, Bill O'Reilly has seized the opportunity to bring up his long standing "War on Llamas," citing the coastal liberal elites penchant for raising llamas, as opposed to more traditional farm animals, such as cows, chickens, and the occasional goat.

PS: Llamas don't reach 8 feet tall. FOX/Redneck family FAIL.
PPS: The alleged attacker's name was Spanky, see previous post on llama names.

Stillamaness is the Move

If there's one thing llamas llove, it's music. If there's one thing they llove even more, it's being the star of a music video.

For your listening and viewing pleasure, we present the Dirty Projectors "Stillness is the Move" featuring a seriously fierce llama.



This stylized video really captures the grace and nobility of the llama and pairs it with braless Brooklyn hipsters in hoods and harem pants. Also notice the love between the llama and his master around 3:07. At 3:53 the llama pretends to try to break free, but then says jk and falls back in line, trotting off into the distant abyss of life.

Llama Name Love

The care and feeding of llamas can be considered relatively simple. Put them in a pasture with green grass, give them some grain from time to time, fresh water, and you are pretty much set. Naming them, however, is a most serious activity. Llamas simply cannot have a boring name like Sally or Bob. They don’t usually have last names either in the familial sense, so llama owners generally take special care to be sure that their first name(s) are jazzy enough to stand alone. Not even holier-than-thou horse owners (hereby referred to as “horse people”) can shake a Himalayan hiking stick at some of the names llama owners come up with.

In many respects, this makes sense. If you are going to be offering up your precious male up for auction, it’s going to rile the crowd up a lot more, if the auctioneer has to say, “We’ll start the bidding for, er, um… Chocolate Sizzle Surprise at 1,000 dollars. Do I hear 1,000 for Chocolate Sizzle Surprise? He’s from an exceptional breeding line, the first offspring of Madam Mochabean III, and Junior Fizzlebeans. Yes, 1,000 will start the bidding.”

So in honor of every oddly named llama or alpaca out there today, here is just a random sampling of Studs and females for sale from llamaweb.

*DBR Beau Brummell   
*Oak Leaf Wilhelm     
*Flambe's Martinique   
*Crystal Blue Persuasion
*Hello Boogie     
*Misty Morning     


And to my favorites from my ranch: Buff Dude, Denali Jolly, White Delight.....
and

DISCO DUDE!